Por QueEstelle Gonzales Walgreen
Tweet Jesus! El Papa aka The Pope Is Tweeting
Photo: Pope Gets iPad
I know the world is a mess and many believe it’s coming to an end especially when you watch the debt ceiling debate and the Real Housewives of Atlanta (I know eerily similar). But when the Pope, revered and known throughout the Americas, as El Papa, starts Tweeting and sending TwitPics, Dios Mio, you KNOW it’s the end of the world.
To the 420 million devoted Catholics throughout Latin America and Mexico and the millions here at home, his word is God’s word; he is God’s eyes and ears on earth. So when I heard Pope Benedict set up a Twitter account I knew it was not a good thing. I’m personally freaked out by the whole thing and turned to my own local version of El Papa and that is my Mamita who goes to church everyday.
As expected she just doesn’t get it. I say to her what if he creates #hashtags like #estellesucks, #knowhatudidlastnight or worse #urgoingtodiesoon?
Can the Pope really condemn us to hell in 140 characters or less? Can he start issuing penance via Twitter - which would be helpful incidentally in my case? Will Twitter revolutionize the Sunday homily by keeping it short and sweet - if you think the homily is long in English try it in Spanish? Will logging on to my Twitter account and following El Papa on Sunday’s count as going to mass?
Will #forgivemeforIhavesinned become the most popular hash tag of all time?
What if he doesn’t follow me on Twitter? Does that mean what I have always known I am going to hell but even sooner then I think – is it an omen? I don’t think the Pope gets funny, charming and mean-spirited – but I am going to Tweet him and ask.
My other oversized fear is that he WILL FOLLOW me on Twitter. I am confident that doesn’t mean I am one of the chosen but more likely one of the damned and he’s just confirming it.
He knows I get change from Sunday’s offering basket, that after the confessional I use my iConfess app to short change God yet again, and that most recently I made a voodoo doll of Rep. Paul Ryan for drinking $350 red wine while I’m still sipping discounted Morgan David.
I know its irrational but the fact that he even has an iPad bothers me. Did he actually go into an Apple Store? And you know those techies they didn’t cut him any slack and moved him to the front of the service line. Is he using an iPad instead of an iPhone all the better to see us and what we are doing - the clarity on those things is incredible?
The Vatican is bragging about the Pope and his effort to use social media to connect with his flock. Please don’t I say and I will even pray for it. What about the whole issue of sexting and TwitPics. Lord Christ just look at what happened to Weiner and countless others. ‘Innocent’ photos of you working out with an erection at the gym ‘accidentally’ becomes your next TwitPic to the Pope what then? What if something remotely like that happens between El Papa and me. I know he knows I think about things like that, I’m perverse. Mexican-American Catholics are twisted - it’s all that indoctrinated devotion fueled by tequila soaked brain cells. We live with 24-7 guilt smothered in shame topped off with remorse so having access to the ultimate confessor is not healthy.
What is even scarier is that the Pope only has 50,000 followers thus far – WHAAAT – that’s all. How can Selena Gomez have more followers when she is just a Wizard of Waverly Place though she does go out with the antithesis to the Prince of Darkness, Justin Bieber?
There are some 1.15 billion Catholics in the world. Folks you need to step it up and start following El Papa like I did, ASAP, just in case someone is needed to put in a good word for you up stairs or in my case Tweet-plead my defense when down below.
Or better yet let’s have all this tweeting madness end, it’s not healthy when the leader of the free world (no I don’t mean Oprah) and John Boehner resort to tweeting about the debt ceiling or when the Pope seeks followers on social media. Some things are better done face-to-face.
Tweet Jesus, I pray it will all end soon.