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10 FAMOUS, MEMORABLE AND NOTORIOUS LATINA MAIDS
Photo: Hispanic Maids
Today’s Guest Blogger is Enrique Limón . Enrique was born feet first on a warm August day. He’s been doing things his way ever since. His favorite Chavo del 8 character is Jaimito el cartero.
They are efficient, stealthy, and not to mention HUGE in Japan.
¿A qué hora sales por el pan?
They’re maids, and with all this talk about them as of late they’re the hottest thing since sliced Bimbo bread.
Yes, domestic servants come in all shapes, sizes and ethnicities. You want white? You’ve got The Brady Bunch’s Alice. You want African-American? I’ll see your Florence and raise you a Mammy, Ms. Scarlett. Into the kinky shit? Rosie the Robot has got you covered.
But, as the stereotypical Hollywood machine has tought us time and time again, in the ethos of servitude nothing beats a Latina maid; so, armed with the inspiration that only sniffing a bottle of Pato Purific can give, we polished our brains and Swiffer’d the web to come up with this list of 10 Famous, Memorable and Notorious Latina Maids.
Curious to find out which saucy sirvientas passed our white glove test?
10. Nicandra Díaz Santillán
It takes a lot to kink the hairs of former eBay CEO and GOP California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman‘s perfectly coiffed Dutch Boy ‘do, and in 2010 Miss Díaz did just that. Her employers withheld taxes and provided her with a W-2 form; only problem was she had entered the United States illegally and was working under an assumed Social Security number. Enter whoremonger attorney Gloria Allred, and the egg timer on these enchiladas went ding! We side with Whitman on this one, as she obviously hired Díaz using the Smucker’s rule: With a name like Nicandra, she had to be good.
9. Jennifer Lopez
In 2002, J.Lo strapped on an apron and once again hopped on the 6 train to star opposite Ralph Fiennes in Maid in Manhattan. In classic telenovela form, senatorial candidate Fiennes stumbles in on chambermaid .Lo and thinking she’s bourgeois to the core proceeds to woo her. A Dumbo-esque revelation of how paperclips relieve the Senator’s pre-speech nerves, a dog walk, and a joke about sitting on Fiennes’ face later, the stage was set for a love story for the ages. It was like the whole Dominique Strauss-Kahn debacle, but with a happy ending. Strike that I said “happy ending.” Strike that I said strike.
8. Zoila Chávez
“Behind every great OCD-striken interior designer lies a Nicaraguan maid,” the saying goes; and Chávez—the breakout star of Bravo’s Flipping Out, embodies the axiom to a T. A modern-day house flipping plantationist, patrón Jeff Lewis notorious for working Zoila to the bone, cutting down her novela watching time and compensating for overtime in El Pollo Loco. One time she asked for her birthday off, to wich Lewis responded “Didn’t you just get off for Christmas? Now you want another holiday off?” Later in a talking head he stated: “She wanted all of Saturday and she wanted all of Friday. Well, what am I going to do? Who’s going to do my laundry? Who’s going to make me breakfast? She’s so selfish.” After making her come in and presenting a garish portrait as a gift, Lewis mysteriously came down with food poisoning after eating some tainted bacon—which of course, Zoila cooked for him. Selfish? Perhaps. Smart as hell? You bet your sweet floor plan.
Not be confused with the popular “Toy Soldiers” songstress, Cuban-born Marta “Martica” Rodríguez’ caffeinated rise to the top began in 1998, when after setting up a modest coffee stand close to a Univision filming location, she was asked by the network brass if she’d be interested in becoming their in-house coffee maker for the crew and guests of the then new El Gordo y La Flaca entertainment program. With unique charisma, and having pinned down a succesful water to granule formula she was later asked to appear on camera for a segment, and a star was born. Daily interventions, an best-selling autobiography and a satellite gig as a paid spokesperson for cleaning supplies followed. She’s dropped a chart-topping reggaeton single, is an avid low rider enthusiast, and once defeated members of the Taliban by throwing espresso in their faces as witnessed in this video. Always in character, she never ditches her trademark blue and white garb…not even on the red carpet. She now gets her coffee at Starbucks.
6. Salma Hayek
When the sultry Mexican actress immigrated to the Unites in 1991 she was faced with a harsh truth: her options were limited to chola, puta or you guessed it, housekeeper. A couple of years and a suggestive dance with an albino python later, her status as a bona fide sex symbol was cemented. In 2006, with a succesful production company and an Oscar nomination under her belt, further victory came in the form of a chubby, glass-wearing would-be fashion editor named Betty Suarez. As executive producer of ABC’s Ugly Betty, and in a nod to those casting agents who readily handed her the chacha role early on in her career, the future Madame Pinault cast herself as a maid for the show-within-a-show soap opera enjoyed by the Suarez patriarch.
Like numbers 7 and 8 before her, all it took was a few seconds of airtime for a star to be born. Of unknown national origin, Consuela stole the show during an episode of Family Guy when as the head of the Quahog Maid’s Union she was asked to take the witness stand and took the opportunity to demand more Lemon Pledge. Subsequent interventions saw her as the help in Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, participating in the gameshow “Are You Smarter Than a Hispanic Maid?” and vacuuming in hologram form in the Star Wars parody “Something, Something, Something Dark Side.” In the need of someone to deny that you’re home? She’s got your back, Misser. Longing to recoup your stolen goods? “Come get, bitch!” Witness her greatest hits here.
4. Rosario Salazar
Times were tough for thespian paisanas when Will & Grace creators outsourced the role of Salvadoran maid Rosario Inez Consuelo Yolanda Salazar McFarland to Sephardic Jew Shelley Morrison. In what could have been an ethnic casting catastrophe of John Wayne as Genghis Khan proportions, sharp-tongued Rosario (aka Rosie, aka Ro-Ro) became the voice to a slew of domestic helpers that because of their dubious immigration status, limited work opportunities and even slimmer English skills, could never stand up to their employers. Interacting with her boss, the wealthy Karen Walker, following the same sassy sirvienta/rich bitch standard set by the Suzanne Sugarbaker/Consuela Valverde relationship in Designing Women, her talkback legacy included gems like: “Up yours Count Drunkula!”; “Why don’t I just squeeze you like a sponge. There’s probably enough alcohol in you to fill a hot-tub”; Karen: “Where the hell are my slippers?” Rosario: “Have you looked up your ass, you drunken fool?”; and of course, “Lady, you’re dumber than the lint I clean out of your trap!”
3. María Victoria
Ask any Mexican citizen to name his or her country’s most iconic domestic diva and the name that would come out of their mouth would no doubt be María Victoria. In 1970 she stared as Inocencia in the popular series “La Criada Bien Criada.” Rocking a skin-tight uniform that revealed every ripple of her body, she effectively redefined the term MILF by swapping “mother” with “maid,” during the show’s 14-year run and has inspired salacious fantasies for generations ever since. In 2009 she picked up the feather duster again, giving life to Felipa in the telenovela Sortilegio, and since then, the 78-year-old has successfully reprised her role of sexy Inocencia in a series of commercials for Texas-based supermarket chain Fiesta. Take that! Mr. Belvedere.
2. Mildred Baena
Christmas came early this year in the shape of Momma Elsa doppelgänger “Patty” Baena (full name Mildred Patricia Baena). In a story that the late “Mr. Telenovela” Ernesto Alonso himself would kill to have written, around halfway through her 20-year servitude in the Schwarzenegger-Shriver household and just five days after the patrona gave birth to the couple’s youngest son, Baena delivered an Hasta la Vista, Bastard Baby offspring of her own. With the news hot off the presses, more details of the former Governor’s sexual escapades are sure to come out of the dark, securing Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger a spot in the pop culture d-bag hall of fame alongside such greats as Kobe Bean Bryant, Eldrick Tont Woods and Jesse Gregory James. Hell, next to him even Carlos Irwin Estévez is in fact #winning.
1. Lupe Ontiveros
Finally, the golden Palmolive bottle goes to Lupe Ontiveros, [dishwasher-safe gloved] hands down! The daughter of tortilla factory owners, the El Paso, native’s first forray in film was as an extra 35 years ago after she and her husband moved to California to fulfill their automotive dealership dream. Highlights of her body of work include prominent roles as the help in The Goonies and As Good as It Gets. “I’m proud to represent those hands that labor in this country. I’ve given every maid I’ve ever portrayed soul and heart,” she once told The New York Times. By her own estimate, she’s played the role some 300 times—the equivalent of 157 bottles of Windex, 204 jugs of Suavitel, endless Oko fumigation pumps (she stocked up before they were discontinued), five Roombas and just one bar of Jabón Zote.